It has been almost a year since the Baby-ventures Project was launched and wow, what a great interest shown by the community.  Since the legalisation of gay marriages, it seems that a lot of couples are looking at starting a family.  Maybe it’s been there all along but somehow I get the feeling that since gay marriages have been legalised – couples feel that same-sex parenting also received the stamp of approval.  Or maybe it is the fact that gay partners feel more secure to start a family of their own with a legal system backing them. Judging from correspondence with website visitors, it is very clear that an information portal was very necessary in the gay and lesbian community. 

The interest shown has been so astronomical and on your requests, we are launching a brand new Parenting Section soon, together with a newsletter to keep you up to date with new/interesting information.  The snowball affect of Baby-ventures.za.net has reached a variety of people.  Our visitors consists of singles, gay married and not married couples, people with children from previous marriages and the odd researcher, professor or lawyer.  But the beauty of it all is that we give an independent view to many families of these people.  We have prospective grannies, grandpas, aunts, uncles to name a view, which visit our website to find out more about processes involved.  Their questions are filled with “wanting to know more” and “I want to be there for them”.

But it is important that the “baby-boom” within gay marriage/relationships is looked at in a clear light.  Being parents is the most rewarding experience.  It will bring you fulfilment unimaginable but it will also take huge sacrifices from you as a couple.   Parenting – irrelevant of homosexual or heterosexual – is not for everyone.

According to Marina Green, a freelance writer focussing on sexuality and relationships, owner of Whet Sensuality Emporium in Cape Town, and also a lesbian mother of two boys says
“having a baby can put immense strain on a relationship irrespective of whether the parents are hetero or homosexual. However both society and family tend to provide affirmation and support for heterosexual couples on a practical and emotional level, because they are conforming to an accepted ideal. Homosexual couples opting for parenthood may encounter the dual prejudice and lack of acceptance, not only from their families and “straight” society but also from gay society, which is still not baby or child “friendly”, generally being focussed on fairly selfish ideals and self-pleasure rather than the external focus that having children requires”.

Pregnancy and the extra complexity involved in the logistics of ARP can cause additional strain on you as the hormones ebb and flow and mood swings are “perfectly normal”. Once your baby is born, it’s also common for jealousy to occur when one, or both partners, feel that their love now has to be shared with the baby. I cannot recommend strongly enough the importance of couples committing to special time with each other. A weekly “date” where they focus on each other and do something you both enjoy. Call on your support structure and make it a regular event that’s just as important as remembering to buy huggies.

On a personal level I value my children having a really positive male role model, particularly given that they are both boys. I am blessed in that although I could not remain in the heterosexual relationship in which my children were conceived, I have retained a close bond with my children’s father. He is someone I am confident will set good values and standards for the boys and who is extremely involved in the process of nurturing and parenting them.

My advice to same sex couples is to find a role model of the opposite gender who can provide positive input for your children. A friend, relative or teacher that can help them relate to the gender that is less predominant in your home, so that their views and experiences of interaction are balanced “

The ideal situation is a supportive family, as your child will need to feel welcomed into some form of support structure. A sense of belonging is imperative for the development of any child into adolescence.

Your employer should be informed and supportive of your decision as ART-procedures can require time off work.  Also be prepared that your child will take focus and time away from your career.

Then finally: As same-sex couples, we all want to sometimes forget about the issues that might come up during our journey to parenting.  There is no denying that perceptions are changing, but judging some comments made by various political authorities in South Africa and in many other countries - it is clear that there are still mixed feelings when it comes to homosexuals becoming parents. 

Should you embark in the journey of parenthood, you should be aware of these perceptions.  Your child should be prepared that he/she might come across people in life that will have these perceptions. 

According to APA (American Psychological Association) research on same-sex couple parenting perception, the most common perception/concern for society is that:

APA has found through their research that none of the above perceptions are justified by any facts found.   It is a general perception of the heterosexual society.

During Baby-ventures recent 702 Talk Radio interview a listener confronted us with the same old “hollow-back” story that homosexuality is against the Bible and that same-sex couples are not suppose to reproduce as it is against nature. 

At Baby-ventures we talk for the gay community but we also talk for the many single woman or men that wants children in a responsible way.  This includes the thousands of men and woman that made use of a donor or medical intervention to conceive.  Is surrogacy then also an abomination?  Carrying the child of another woman and man?  

So why do we still decide to become parents if there are so many hurdles?  What a large portion of society doesn’t seem to understand or choose not to understand is that a homosexual household is no different than any heterosexual household.  We have the same needs, mental and physical demands.  One of them is the need to have a family of our own.  Human-kind was created to have a need to produce off-spring to continue our family legacy, values and name.

Medical science has made it possible for us to have children and SA legislation has made it possible to have children in a safe legal system.   It is the unstoppable force - we call nature.

When “the need to become a parent” chooses you, make sure you are aware of all the details involved.  Read as much articles about issues involved.  By educating yourself you will find yourself in familiar territory and you would be prepared to handle the unexpected.

There is definitely a change in perception in society, but it is a slow process. All parents face challenges along the road, but until our children’s children walk this world, prejudices unfortunately may still cross your path. 

But there is also a positive side of this new era South Africa has entered.  Majority of medical, social welfare, legal and other specialist in their field, all comment that more and more “general society” accepted the changes of “norms” they are faced with. 

"Speaking from a personal view, our family has been accepted by schools, our immediate community, work environment and not one has flinched meeting us for the first time.  Many say that we became ambassadors for the gay community and their families.  I say we are just another South African family that love, respect and need each other unconditionally.  There is no “head” of the family.  There is not just one nurturer and/or one discipliner.  We take hands every morning and walk over our threshold as equals."