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Stories: My Choice: Single Parenting
Posted on Monday, June 04 @ 03:10:37 SAST
Topic: Stories
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 Single parenting is normally seen or assumed as something that happened by accident or unforeseen circumstances. What many of us don’t realize is that some of these women and men made a deliberate decision to become parents even though they are single. We encounter more and more single men and women that reach a point in their life, irrelevant if involved or not, that they feel the need to become parents.
Baby-ventures was contacted by such an extraordinary women and feel honoured to share her story with you. Hoping it will also enrich your lives.
Elmarie Hall is a 34 year single gay woman that resides in Johannesburg. She is qualified in Psychology and currently working in the Marketing and Communications field. Elmarie is also a very creative person and keen writer in her spare time. She is working on her first novel.
Becoming a parent was not an overnight decision for Elmarie but in August 2006, she made up her mind and decided to start her journey to parenthood early 2007. Since August, Elmarie subsequently spent the past 9 months doing research and preparing her body and life for the changes to come. She is scheduled for her first procedure at the end of May 2007.
“My Educated Choice” Interview with Elmarie Hall
Baby-ventures Q: Did you always want children and why?
Elmarie A: No. When I was in my mid to late 20’s, it was never really a priority. Both my then long-term partner and myself were extremely career driven, so having children was a “maybe someday”. Since I turned 30 the desire slowly grew, and I started giving it serious thought; I guess my priorities just naturally shifted – although I am still very dedicated to my career, I feel like I have achieved a far greater balance in my life. As from the end of last year, I really feel completely ready, in a good place, and in control.
BV Q: What is your concern/if any, being a single parent?
El A: My mom raised me as a single (heterosexual) parent – a conscious and planned decision that in the early 70’s required far more courage and conviction than it does today. I was privileged to have been raised by a woman that was willing to face any and all prejudice and hardship for the opportunity to have and love a child. Just by being herself, my mom has instilled in me the same strength and passion. I am so sure about what I am doing and I have so much support from people who love me – that gives me the confidence and belief that I can and will face whatever challenges are to come my way.
BV Q: How did your family react to your decision?
El A: I am a single child, and extremely close to my mom. She had long accepted my sexuality, and she has been tremendously supportive and positive about my decision to have a baby. She raised me to be responsible and to give thorough and realistic consideration to any major decision I make; she knows that’s exactly what I did here, and she backs me all the way. My mom will be an integral part of my child’s life, and I know that no child could ever wish for a better and wiser granny in the world – she has so much love and kindness to share. Growing up my mom made me feel like I was the most adored, smartest and most special girl in the world – and that I was no different to anyone else (from 2-parent families) around me; I had a extremely happy childhood and have matured into a confident, successful and emotionally together woman without hang-ups or issues – all thanks to her amazing love and strength; I look forward to sharing in this experience with her.
Lately my mom has become all caught up in the growing excitement – I am a big English football fan, and mentioned that I am so looking forward to teaching my little boy or girl – my mom promptly went out and already bought two footballs, now waiting in the cupboard!
BV Q: How did your friends react to your decision?
El A: With overwhelming support and excitement! I have an equal mix of straight and gay friends, most of whom I have known for many years, and who have been closely involved in my decision and the preparation of the last few months. I have received nothing but their love and unconditional encouragement. Every single one of my friends have repeatedly expressed their belief that I am 110% ready for this, and that I will be a brilliant mother – those positive reinforcements have gone a long way in boosting my confidence and resolve; it is the greatest thing to know that those who love and understand you, believe in you and in what you are doing.
My very lucky baby is going to have a whole group of godmothers, fairy godmothers and fans vying for attention and the chance to spoil. I think it is a wonderful thing for a child growing up to be exposed to a number of diverse and interesting people, all sharing their experiences and contributing to the person that child becomes.
BV Q: Do you have any fears as a single gay woman raising a child?
El A: I think any person (single or involved, gay or straight) giving conscious and responsible thought to having a child, shares certain similar concerns: financial considerations, the increasing pressures and challenges facing kids growing up today, safety & security concerns etc.
I guess you never know what’s going to happen, and you can never plan for every eventuality; but, it is critical to at least cover the basics, to be realistic and to make the best decisions you can for the time being. For example, I have, over the past few months, done a thorough analysis of my financial situation; I have cleared all short-term debt, increased my life-cover, and, in addition to existing RA’s and investments, started a new investment fund, accessible on short notice. I am also considering certain lifestyle changes: One possibility is the opportunity to relocate to London on a 3 year contract; despite the fact that I love South Africa, I need to think of my baby’s future and the environment that he or she will grow up in. My mom and SA friends are all fully supportive of this opportunity, and as they all travel to the UK frequently (and I will have the chance to come home often), I don’t believe it will be disruptive to my support system – in fact, many of my friends live in London as I was based there before.
I think the important thing is just to make sure that, once you have made the choice to have a child, you ensure that it remains the main consideration in every decision you make.
BV Q: Did you come across any hurdles during your journey to find information? If so, please share them with us.
El A: No, I was very lucky to find Baby Ventures early on in my research process. I emailed Lisa and she has been absolutely brilliant over the past few months in answering my questions and providing support and assistance. It really was like having my own “how to” manual. Lisa had referred me to a recommended gynaecologist and I had my first consultation in March; again, I was met with warm support and interest. Lisa had also referred me to the donor banks, and explained the process in detail. I contacted two donor banks, and the response was swift and professional – Natalie from the MedFem Clinic was especially wonderful.
I think that, despite the fact that this is obviously more of a clinical procedure than in the case of a “natural” conception, the advantage is that it has given me the opportunity to really plan and prepare. In terms of general information with regards to falling pregnant (which all women hoping to conceive should study), there is so much quality knowledge easily available on the internet. I read extensively on nutrition, vitamin supplements, exercise, health and lifestyle considerations: this enabled me to create my own “countdown plan”, ensuring that my body is in optimum condition at the time I hope to conceive. I gave up smoking in the New Year and started going to the gym and running; I also limit my alcohol intake and have been fastidious about eating healthy foods with lots of nutrients and vitamins.
I believe that if you are going to do something that is worthwhile, then do it as well as you can – I want to give myself the best possible shot at this.
BV Q: How do you think society perceives your decision?
El A: I don’t believe in a single society – there are far too many individuals with individual views for that. I do think there are an infinite number of social groupings each based on common circumstances, beliefs, values, traditions, objectives or characteristics – be it cultural, religious, political etc.
I have no doubt that a number of these social groupings (and the individuals that make them up) will be offended to a larger or smaller degree by a decision such as mine. We all believe what we believe. If it is based on religious principles or traditional values, I respect their right to that opinion – as long as they respect my right to mine. However, if the condemnation is based on unfound prejudice or ignorance, I don’t feel it even justifies a response - always consider the source.
You can’t live you life by how you think “people” would want you to be. You have to live by who you are, and take responsibility for your actions and any reactions to it.
Only two things are important to me in this case: My unfailing belief that I am doing the right thing, and the unconditional support of those whose opinion truly matters to me.
BV Q: Do you think people feel threatened by a single woman that decides to become a parent on her own by using ART procedures such as artificial insemination and why?
El A: I think strength, courage and independence are admirable qualities in any person. However, I’m sure somewhere someone will feel threatened - although I honestly can’t see why anyone would feel it necessary.
BV Q: How do you feel the gay community will perceive your decision?
El A: Again, I think that the gay community is made up of so many diverse individuals with different views and opinions, that it is impossible to have one representative answer. I have received nothing but heartfelt support and positive feedback from my gay friends - and to me, they ARE my gay community.
BV Q: What is your comment on the recent "baby-boom" in the gay community?
El A: I think it is great that gay couples and single gay people are making use of the opportunities they now have to have their own kids and to legally adopt - as long as it is done for the right reasons (desire to have and raise a child, and not to make some kind of statement), and as long as they give it serious thought and consideration - gay couples are so notorious for rushing into commitments, which end up shortlived... so as long as they are 100% ready and realistic and in it for the long run.
www.baby-ventures.za.net
“As parents we are placed upon earth to nurture and care for tomorrow’s leaders”
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