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Stories: ADOPTION: ''Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough''
Posted on Monday, November 19 @ 04:13:51 SAST
Topic: Stories
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 When looking at the amount of abandoned and unwanted children in South Africa, it seems remarkably “easy” to adopt and provide a loving home to a needy child. If only. Perusing the cruel nature humankind has projected over time – one can understand why.
There are different types of adoption available in South Africa and should a gay couple decide to adopt a child, they should familiarise themselves with the options and make some educated decisions before embarking on this journey.
One must distinguish between two “categories” of adoption of which one is the adoption of non-biological children and secondly the adoption of a child biologically connected to one of the parents. As same-sex couples, it is inevitable that one party will not have a biological tie to the child in the second category.
Adoption laws:
In 2001 couple Du Toit and De Vos challenged South African child adoption laws and demanded the right to adopt as equal partners. De Vos had adopted the two children under the single parent adoption law 10 years earlier.
De Vos was then the only High Court judge in Pretoria. They won their case and changed the law that made international headlines and assured the rights of gay and lesbian co-adoptive parents in South Africa.
To co-jointly adopt is when both parties involved receive equal parental rights in respect the child.
Adoption of non-biological children in South Africa
When a Caucasian, same-sex couple want to adopt a baby (infant), heterosexual couples will still receive preference above homosexual couples should they want to adopt within their own race group.
The answer for this is simple: Biological mothers who decide to give their children up for adoption will select what they consider to be their best choice. Traditionally, the perfect family is still perceived as a child with both a mother and father figure.
In the case of open adoption, the birthmother will find the most suitable couple to raise the child she is giving up for adoption, rarely selecting a same-sex couple. Most social workers will be up-front and tell you this before going through an emotionally draining screening process.
It is a simple matter of supply and demand. (Not that we compare children as a commodity). For this reason, a lot of Caucasian, same-sex couples will consider adopting other than in their race. Upon investigating this, I was told by more than one children’s home that “no white babies” were available but if I want an African child, they could assist me almost immediately after the screening process. This was also confirmed by various social workers.
But why is it then that many children’s homes are filled with children but we cannot adopt them?
As per my discussion with Joan Nathanson, registered private social worker, the majority of these children have been removed from their parents for various reasons. Reasons including inability to care for the children, abuse or neglect. However, their parents remain the legal guardians, and the biological parents have the opportunity to rehabilitate and be re-evaluated by social welfare. The parent may maintain contact with the child, and the child could possibly be returned to the care of the parent at some stage.
Should a couple want to adopt any of these children from a children’s home, the parents will have to consent to the adoption. This rarely happens as children majority of the time gets removed from the parents and not just “given” to the state.
According to Joan Nathanson, should a couple want to adopt a child of the same race, if a Caucasian couple, they should be pro-active and try by all means to source their own child, possibly even visiting children’s homes to do so. It also provides the social workers at these homes the opportunity to meet you.
Inter-country adoption is again littered with agreements that majority of the time, do not accommodate gay couples. South Africa Welfare has agreements with certain countries and each of these countries has different laws in place. Majority of their policies are religious based and excludes gay couples.
When speaking to one of our adoptive parents from the Baby-ventures website, she confronted me with the question: “If you plan to adopt, should you really select the criteria of a child?” A child up for adoption is in need of a loving home – irrelevant of the race, age and culture. It did not matter to us. Love does not come in colour or race.”
Nathanson comments that adoption is permanent situation and one should never adopt a particular child just because it is politically correct to do so.
No-one can decided what is right for someone else, and if a prospective adoptive parent is not comfortable with adopting a child from a different race group, for example, she would rather that they are upfront about it than take a child who feels like a last resort at the end.
Preparation for adoption is important for anyone thinking about adopting a child. It is even more important for parents considering transracial or transcultural adoption. As long as you as a couple/or single person are aware what all is involved.
Most adoptive parents will tell you that it was never all rosy. Each adoption will bring individual challenges whether children are adopted as infants or when they are older. Whether they are healthy or have physical or psychological problems, their adoption is bound to influence their development. You need to understand how and why.
Such as the facts of life: Where do I come from? How did I get here? All adopted children need to be told about their adoption as early as possible – i.e. from birth.
With older children, who bring with them memories of a past, failure to acknowledge those memories and to have a chance to talk about them can reinforce the attachment problems inherent in shifts in caretakers early in life.
All adoptions have emotional impact and you will have to be aware of certain issues that might arise. If your child has had several homes before yours, there is often a brief honeymoon period where s/he will try to be perfect to ensure your love. But soon the sense of loss, hurt, and anger surfaces. Your child may, consciously or not, break your rules, steal, lie, or act out physically or sexually. The child's message is "I'm going to leave here anyway, so I'd better make sure I don't get too close" or "Families don't last, and I'm angry about that." The other very important reason is testing out behaviour. The child will see how bad they need to be “before you reject me too”.
You will need to help your children build trust and gain confidence that you will not abandon them. Part of that job is helping your children to develop the psychological identification that distinguishes them as individuals.
Adopt with the knowledge that the day will come where your child might have the need to search for his/her birth parents. It is important to get as much possible information about the birth parents to assist your child during this process. Even if you might feel hurt that the child still has the longing to find them after all the years of love and care. Rather be grateful that the child feel close enough to share this important experience with you and support him/her through it. The child is generally not looking for other parents, but simply to complete the puzzle.
When adoption is transracial/transcultural, keep the following in mind additional to the above:
Examine your beliefs and attitudes about race and ethnicity
You might think you are an extremely “open-minded” person and that members of your family believe in equality for all. Examine your beliefs and attitudes abouT race and ethnicity very well. Do you sometimes judge or make assumptions upon race or culture? Does your family sometimes do it.
Think about your lifestyle
Before considering a transracial or transcultural adoption; take a look at your current lifestyle. In South Africa, some neigbourhoods and schools are already very well integrated.
Look at your friends and your social circle. Does it include different races and ethnic groups? Do you visit one another's homes regularly? Do you attend multicultural festivals? Do you enjoy different kinds of ethnic foods? Are you prepared to make these changes in your life to ensure your child develops into a balanced individual? It is important for children of color growing up with Caucasian parents to be around adults and children of many ethnic groups, and particularly, to see adult role models who are of the same race or ethnic group.
Consider adopting siblings: Siblings who are adopted together have the security of seeing another person in the family who looks like them. They are able to bring a part of their early history and birth family with them to their adoptive family, which may help them adjust better. If not siblings, look at adopting a second child of the same race/culture.
As a parent of a transracial/transcultural child you will have to help your child to become a stable, happy, healthy individual with a strong sense of racial and cultural identity.
- Stay clear and don’t tolerate any form of racial / ethically biased remarks
- Celebrate all different cultures.
- Talk about race and culture. Especially in South Africa where our history plays a large role in the development of African children.
- Expose your child to different experiences to build self-esteem and self-worth. You can
For example take them to special memorials and celebrations.
Adoption of a child, biologically connected to one of the parents.
When two women are in a relationship, the party not carrying the child during pregnancy, is seen as the non-biological mother. The partner of the mother will have to adopt the child. Because a foetus cannot be adopted, the partner can only adopt the child after birth. The child will be co-jointly adopted through the Children’s Court by the couple.
The Baby-ventures website has been inundated with the same question:
“Now that gay marriage is legal, where do we stand regarding adoption for the non-biological parent?
Baby-ventures spoke to several experts in this field, including social workers, adoption agencies, and government departments to investigate the issue of adoption of non-biological spouses within a same-sex marriage. We received a couple of definite “no’s”, some “yesses” and most frequently the “now that is a very interesting question!” response.
It appears that, to date, little or no consideration has been given to how the situation will be handled or the Effects of the current law on the situation.
Given that the Civil Union and Marriage Act have only been effective since the 1st of December 2006, the “powers that be” have not yet tackled such a case. Considering the 9 month gestation period, which needs to take place within a gay marriage, the first actual cases will probably only start to surface towards the end of 2007.
When two married men conceive via a surrogate mother, the child will biologically belong to one of the two men. Due to a third person being involved during the conception and carrying of the child, a strenuous legal procedure still lies ahead between the couple and the surrogate. This would be the case whether a heterosexual married couple or a same-sex married couple is involved. In either scenario an adoption will still need to occur.
Various scenarios will no doubt be tested through the courts and will be eventually be resolved and set certain precedents. One thing is certain however, and that is that the next generation will enjoy a fruitful life replete with the benefits previously offered only to heterosexual couples.
The Social Worker Scenario
The number one priority of any social worker is the wellbeing of the child. The placement should be based around “the best interest of the child.”
The debate goes on and will continue as long as there are conflicting views about homosexuality. Considering these different views, should social workers place children with gay men or lesbians? To make the best placement decision for children, social workers need to answer the following questions:
Is this person or couple caring, nurturing, and sensitive to others?
Do they have the qualities needed to parent a child?
What are their individual strengths and weaknesses?
How do their strengths/weaknesses compliment the needs of their child?
Do they have the capacity to nurture a child not born to them?
According to social worker, Joan Nathanson, it is important that a gay couple feel comfortable with their sexual orientation. Have they come out to their family and to society? Are they proud of who they are as people? As a parent, having a positive self-image will provide a model for an adopted child. Family support is very important.
In considering gay and lesbian prospective adoptive parents, sexual orientation and the capacity to nurture a child are separate issues and should not be confused in the decision making process.
Each placement decision should be based on the strengths and needs of the individual child and the perceived ability of the prospective adoptive family to meet those needs and develop additional strengths.
According to Joan, the following plays a crucial role during the social worker screening process:
1.
A strong healthy relationship (if it's a couple). The couple cannot adopt to try and save a failing relationship.
2.
Both partners must be equally motivated. It's no good if one partner is doing it to make the other one happy. They both need to be ready, and it’s helpful if they understand what their motivation is for adopting.
3.
They must be medically fit in order to predictably see the child through to
adulthood. To ensure this, the couple/person will undergo a thorough medical
examination.
4.
They must be psychologically fit - i.e. there must be no major pathology. The prospective adoptive parents need to undergo a Psychological assessment.
5.
They must get a police clearance to show that they have not been convicted of any violent crime.
6.
She also urge couples the discuss certain matters before approaching the social worker such as:
7.
What are you looking for in terms of a child - e.g. age, race etc, and why those specific criteria?
8.
It is also important for them to assess how people close to them would feel about them adopting, and whether the child would be accepted into their circle.
9·
If they are considering a transracial adoption, they should research the matter and give some consideration to the fact that the child will not look like them, and that the adoption will always "be in their face". (A constant reminder)
10.
Finally, when dealing with a social worker, make sure that he/she is accredited to do adoption work. All social workers are registered with the Council for Social Service Professions, but a special accreditation is required to do adoption work unless the social worker is employed by an accredited welfare organisation.
For more information on adoption and to find useful links, visit The Baby-ventures Rainbow Family website on www.baby-ventures.za.net or contact Joan Nathanson B.A. Social Work (Wits).
Registered Social Worker with the South African Council for Social Service Professions.
Accredited Member of S.A.A.S.W.I.P.P
Accredited in the field of adoption.
Joan can be contacted via e-mail plan@mweb.co.za or 084 466 3790
Additional Source: Child Welfare Information Gateway
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